Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
