I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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