my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
