Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
