I haven't been this sober since birth.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
