so let's talk penis.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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