Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
