Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
