You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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