so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
