Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
