i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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