either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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