I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize