i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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