paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
