dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
