I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
