so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize