so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
