He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
