I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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