Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
