Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
