Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
