You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
