Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
