Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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