dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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