When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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