she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
