Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The best revenge is premature balding
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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