Can i not drive my cunt home
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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