are you still at the devil's house?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize