My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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