try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
