I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
