He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
