I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
