Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
