I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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