hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
