he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
