My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
