I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
