so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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