I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
