I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
