break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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