i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
