I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
