I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
