dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
