Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
