bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
