I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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