I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
