one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
